RECORDED Mon 09 Dec 2024
SUMMARY KEYWORDS: sibling impact, mental health, sibling support, school connections, chronic conditions, sibling relationships, family dynamics, sibling challenges, disability awareness, sibling isolation, sibling resilience, sibling advocacy, sibling resources, sibling visibility, sibling wellbeing
SPEAKERS: Megan Gilmour, Kate Strohm
Megan Gilmour 00:00
This episode is proudly brought to you by the TPG Telecom Foundation dedicated to creating opportunities to improve the health, wellbeing and education of Australian communities in need.
Hi, I’m Megan Gilmour, MissingSchool, Co-founder and CEO, and this is Live & Learn. This is the podcast that unearths insights at the intersection of health and education, building a powerful alliance to keep kids with complex health conditions connected to school from anywhere. The podcast is recorded on Ngunnawal land, and we acknowledge and pay respect to the traditional owners of this land and the land on which you’re listening.
Megan Gilmour 00:49
Welcome to our weekly webcast, a place to zero in on the interplay between health and education and to amplify the voices of those supporting school students to navigate their educational journeys despite complex health challenges.
Today on Live & Learn, we have Kate Strohm. Kate is a former hospital scientist, health educator and journalist who, 25 years ago, founded Siblings Australia, an initiative supporting siblings of individuals with disabilities or chronic conditions.
Kate has earned global recognition for her advocacy in this work, delivering workshops internationally and co-authoring the SibWorks peer support program. In 2023 Kate moved into semi-retirement and established Sibs Consulting to continue to provide direct support to families and professionals in addressing sibling needs.
Welcome, Kate. We’re so excited to have you on Live & Learn.
Kate Strohm 01:51
Thanks, Megan, good to be here.
Megan Gilmour 01:54
So, Kate, today we we’re here to talk about supporting school connections for students with complex mental health conditions, but we’re tying into this, the very important topic of siblings, which is the often-forgotten young person in this scenario. So, let’s head straight into the questions, and I’m sure you’re going to share with us your incredible journey and knowledge about siblings.
Kate, tell us what the impacts on siblings are in circumstances of disability or chronic health conditions, and why it’s something every Australian needs to know and care about.
Kate Strohm 02:38
Well, first up, I think the most important thing to stress is that each sibling experience is unique. So, every family is different. Every illness or disability is different. The support systems that a family has around them.
So, siblings experiences can be very broad, ranging from some siblings cope really well, they manage the challenges and are able to thrive still. At the other end of the spectrum, we have some siblings who are really traumatised and develop really severe mental health issues because of those traumas. So, most siblings are in the middle with challenges, but with support, they’re able to manage.
I guess for me, why they’re important to think about, there’s two main reasons. One is that if we don’t support siblings, they’re likely to be more stressed, more challenged, and to develop some of their own, either physical or mental health issues themselves. So, they’re a really important group at risk.
But as importantly, I think that the relationship between siblings and the child, adult with disability/illness is absolutely crucial for the development and the wellbeing of the child with the illness/disability, and if we support siblings, it’s more likely that that relationship will be stronger. Not only will the sibling be stronger, but that relationship will be stronger.
So, I think that people who have concerns about children and young people with illness or disability really should be thinking about siblings. Sadly, they’re very overlooked, but really that’s, you know, it’s a very important missing link often.
Megan Gilmour 04:34
And I’m so glad we’re getting to talk to you for that reason. And likewise, that your important work of establishing Siblings Australia and MissingSchool have engaged with you before on this. I’m sure we’ll go along and pick up some of those critical points you just made in in a little bit more detail. But let’s, let’s go to the next question, which is, many people probably assume things about siblings in these circumstances.
So, what’s the million dollar question you get from parents or loved ones or even health practitioners, I guess about siblings?
Kate Strohm 05:18
Mainly from parents. The question is, how can I support the other children in my family? I’m worried about them. And with professionals, I guess it’s similar, but it’s more parents who reach out, I think. Sadly, in the professional space, the focus is still very much on the child with illness or disability, and there tends to be a lack of understanding, awareness around the importance of that relationship.
You know, it’s going to be the longest relationship that that child will have, probably in their lives and so it is a pity that they are so overlooked. But yes, for parents, it it’s really that general question of, what can I do to support my other children?
Megan Gilmour 06:07
Yes, and what’s the most important thing that you want those parents to know?
Kate Strohm 06:14
Well, I think, you know, there’s a big, long list of things that parents can do, but I think the first step is to actually acknowledge that they have challenges as well. They’ll have many of the same feelings that parents will have, but as children, they often can become very confused by those feelings, very confused about what’s happening around them.
So, they really need clear information at their age, at their age level. Obviously, a four-year-old doesn’t need a long genetic explanation of what’s going on, but they do need to know what the impact of the illness or the disability is on their brother or sister.
And I think, there’s a quite a long list, but one of the big, really important things is to really help siblings understand that you understand, as a parent, that they have challenges as well.
And I think sadly, a lot of parents and well-meaning friends or family can say to siblings things like, ‘well, you should feel lucky that you’re not ill or that you don’t have a disability’, which again, squashes that sibling from ever talking about their own challenges.
And so, it’s around giving children that sense that people understand that it can be tricky for them sometimes as well.
Megan Gilmour 07:39
So many amazing points there, and I’ll just reflect on some of them: The fact that we as adults might be saying nothing to siblings; or we might be saying the wrong things; or things that will sort of traumatise them or leave them with greater anxieties or doubts; age-appropriate ways to talk to siblings.
And you’ve also recognised in what you’ve shared, that some siblings in this situation are adults, though we’re focusing on the childhood scenario here, that it’s such an important part of a person’s life the sibling relationship, and as you said, perhaps the longest relationship that we have; and that it can be disrupted by these crises and these traumas.
And in a focus on a student with disability or a chronic health condition, the invisibility of siblings, and I suppose in that invisibility, you’ve highlighted that not recognising that a sibling could be subject to particularly mental health issues, but not only that, perhaps their own health issues as a result of the trauma and stress that’s going on around them, for what is often their lifetime, or for prolonged periods of time.
So, it is such an important subject, and we’ll dive a bit deeper now, because I know you have some more things to share with us.
And this is a really important one for us, if you’re willing to share it, what brought you into the world of work with siblings?
Kate Strohm 09:32
Well, like often happens, it was personal experience. I grew up with an older sister with cerebral palsy that included intellectual and physical disability, and as I got older, I started to explore more my own reactions to that and my own difficulties.
I had had a lot of anxiety in my teen years, and moving into my 20s, you know, panic attacks at times, and so I really started to delve into that, and got some help to explore that, and I then started to feel like I wanted to write about it, and that process ended up with me writing a book talking about my own experience.
I also interviewed quite a number of other siblings throughout Australia, and some from overseas as well. And that book was originally published in 2002 and then I did a revised edition in 2015 and was also published overseas.
I was in the US with my husband and our children on sabbatical in 1998 I think and came across a program in the US and decided that I wanted to set up something similar here. And I was very fortunate that the head of psychological medicine at the Children’s Hospital here in Adelaide supported me with that. And as you mentioned earlier, then that organisation grew and grew, and yes, the organisation is still going.
Megan Gilmour 11:15
Well, we want to acknowledge you for that work. If it wasn’t for you, this wouldn’t have got started here in Australia the way that it did, and there wouldn’t be anything to continue. So that’s your legacy, and thanks for sharing your personal journey.
There’s nothing like a lived experience to give granularity to data and that in a way that nothing else can and then we see in the literature, these phenomena appearing and know that our own experiences, that felt so isolating are experienced by many so.
Kate Strohm 12:00
Exactly, and I think isolation is one of the big things that many siblings talk about, that sense, like I alluded to earlier, that other people don’t understand what it’s like for them, and who can I talk to and they might not understand. And yes, so very connected to that sense of isolation.
Megan Gilmour 12:19
Yes, and all the more reason why organisations and initiatives like the one you started are so important just for that ‘I’m not alone’ feeling.
So, knowing all that you know, and that’s an awful lot. What’s your biggest hope for siblings and their families and loved ones when navigating health crises, particularly for siblings?
Kate Strohm 12:47
Look again, it’s really about them being acknowledged in some way and being catered for. You know, I think a sibling is going to be in a number of different settings. They’re going to be operating in their family.
So, people who work with the family, if they can acknowledge siblings and work with families on how they can support the other children in the family, they’re going to operate in a health setting, maybe in a hospital. So again, that hospitals think about how they might support siblings.
And, of course, in school as well. And I can talk a little bit more about the school experience of siblings, and how schools can maybe support siblings, seeing that’s one of the focuses of your organisation, if you like, rather than sort of go into all of the different settings we can maybe focus on that?
Megan Gilmour 13:46
Yeah, sure. And those questions are coming up, so we’re going to jump into those. What are some of the common and perhaps frustrating public misconceptions about siblings in these circumstances, and how have you seen this impact siblings themselves and families?
Kate Strohm 14:03
Oh, that’s an interesting one, and a number of things come to mind. I think some of the misconceptions include things like, ‘oh, they don’t get enough attention’ and so it’s all about that. Whereas that can be such a minor part of their experience, it can be a very important part of it, as a four or five year old, if you’re feeling less important than other children in the family, then that can be a major thing, but it’s much more complex than that.
They can experience a range of feelings like grief and guilt and confusion and all sorts of things. So, I think there’s that perception, and that also then leads into a perception of, ‘well, you know, what are they complaining about?’ You know, at least, as I alluded to before, ‘at least they haven’t got an illness or disability’, and so, you know, they just need to, you know, behave and be the perfect child.
And they’ll often get that message from others around them. You know, mummy and daddy are stressed right now, you need to be a good girl, and so without thinking, other adults can often add to that.
I think the other perception – maybe that’s not the right word – but one of the things that has frustrated me in this area is the idea of calling siblings young carers. Certainly, a lot of siblings do provide care to a brother or sister with a disability or an illness, and that’s a very natural thing, and all families support each other and care about each other.
But sometimes that goes further than that. And you know, maybe there might be times when siblings certainly fit into that young carer category, but I think we need to be thinking about them as siblings first. And sure, they might provide care, but there needs to be some balance in that care as well. And I think adults need to take responsibility in making sure that children are able to be children themselves, while still taking on some of those responsibilities.
And I think people forget that if a child is referred to as a young carer, or thought about as a young carer, for siblings, it’s often much more than that caring role for a child who’s maybe caring for a parent for example, there are a lot of issues there that may be quite different to a sibling who might be caring for a brother or sister. It’s very different growing up with someone at your level than a child caring for a parent.
And I’m not saying one’s harder or easier than the other, but I think we need to not confuse the sibling relationship and the role that siblings play and label them as young carers, because we then miss a lot of those subtleties of the other things that siblings might be going through. That even if we took away all of those caring responsibilities, there would still be a lot of other issues for these children that then, you know, wouldn’t be addressed if we just use that model.
Megan Gilmour 17:38
Yes, that’s such an enlightening part of the conversation. It’s something that I haven’t been sensitive to, and it comes around concepts and language, doesn’t it? You know, certain terms are given to things and then they adopt their own meaning and life form.
And yes, I can see what you’re saying, and it’s a really important point that they are sibling, first and foremost, with their own feelings, their own relationship and perceptions about what’s happening in their world and the effects that it’s having on them, quite apart from any care giving that may either be a responsibility or altruistic.
Yes, there’s still the relationship itself to navigate, which for some people can be incredibly rewarding, but it can also be incredibly challenging just on its own, without any of the other factors that we’re talking about.
Kate Strohm 18:46
Exactly, and it can be very fulfilling for both the sibling and the brother or sister with the disability or illness. But I think too, it has some connotations around power. You mentioned caregiving – I much prefer the word caregiving than ‘I’m your carer’, which does have a sort of power imbalance. And I think most young siblings, and most young people with disability or illness would prefer that their siblings weren’t referred to as their carer.
Megan Gilmour 19:25
That’s right. I think that’s the other thing, isn’t it? The sibling relationship, or like all relationships, is two way and for it to be framed in a way where one is doing something for the other and the other sort of silent on that matter, is also problematic.
This is why these conversations are just so enriching. Because there’s all of these things hidden in plain sight that until we speak to an expert on the subject, we’re just not pulling out those nuances.
The other thing about power that I was thinking about too as you were talking, is the difference in power between a child and a parent and a child and a sibling, and also the difference in terms of a younger siblings’ agency and ability to enact any kind of control over their circumstances is greatly diminished compared to adults. So, there’s all of those sorts of things going on at the same time while navigating what is quite a big thing to hold, even for adults.
Kate Strohm 20:37
Yes, and look on responsibility. I think some responsibility for young siblings can be really a very positive thing.
And I often say to parents, you know, acknowledge what they’re doing and show appreciation but also set limits so, ‘oh, look, it’s wonderful when you do that with your brother. That really helps him, and I really appreciate it. But no, this is mummy’s job now you can go and play’.
And when we get to talk about schools a little bit more, in a minute, I’ll bring that issue of responsibility up again.
Megan Gilmour 21:16
Yes, and I was thinking too, as you said that about the young person with disability or illness, having, I suppose, being parented. I don’t even know if that’s the right term, in a way that doesn’t enable differential treatment to the sibling, like taking things out on the sibling as well.
I’m sure that can happen, you know, along the journey, and I suppose that comes down to respectful relationships on all sides. But I also imagine that siblings can become a confidant as well, and are told things that others are not told, and have to hold that in confidence.
Kate Strohm 22:13
Yes, definitely. I’m sure that happens. Just going on a little bit from what you said about parentification, I don’t think you use that term, but that idea that sometimes siblings can become a bit parentified, and I think we have to be very careful of that as well.
And there’s been some research done on the parentification of siblings, where they not only, in some ways, start to parent the child with the illness or disability, but they also start to parent their own parents, in the sense of being perfect, not rocking the boat –‘Mum and Dad have enough to deal with. I’ve got to not complain. I’ve got to be a good girl. I’ve got to be perfect’ and, and that can put a huge strain on young children if they feel that they’ve always got to be perfect and more responsible and more adult, if you like.
And I sometimes hear people say about siblings, ‘oh, and she’s so mature’. And look, I think that in many ways, that’s a positive, but I also worry a little bit when I hear it that yes, but she also needs to be a child, and she also needs to be allowed to be a child.
And really that’s up to parents and other adults around her, like I said, the situation where I mentioned a friends or family saying, ‘Well, you’ve got to be the perfect child, because your parents are already stressed’, and so we have to be careful around those sorts of things too.
Megan Gilmour 23:59
Indeed, and we won’t jump into it now, because otherwise we’ll end up in a thesis. But I also reflect on the gendered nature of caring here, and the extraordinary load that is often put on to women. It could be siblings in this case, or girls too. So just want to single that one out for people to think about.
Now this next question is an interesting one. We have a standardised sort of set of questions for this webcast which helps us collect the data around all these different topics.
This is how many Australian children and youth are siblings, in the context of what you and I are talking about, that is siblings with a brother or sister with a disability or a chronic health condition. When I ask it, it kind of sounds crazy, because the answer is probably every sibling. But do you have data on this question?
Kate Strohm 25:02
Well, it’s a really interesting question, because sadly, we don’t have data on siblings themselves. There has never, there hasn’t been a study to actually count how many siblings there are of children, adults with disability, all we can do is really extrapolate the data that we have about people with illness and disability.
So when I’ve looked at this in the past and tried to quantify it, I tend to use the figures that have been put out by the census and the report through the Australian Institute for Health and Welfare or whatever, using the census data, and it says in there that there are about between 200 000 and 300 000 young people with severe or profound disability under the age of 25, if we’re focusing on children, so that’s that number.
But then you’ve also got to look at those that have chronic illness, mental illness. So, I would think it is safe to say that there would be half a million siblings of young people under 25 who, certainly in the case of disability, have not just a minor disability, but severe or profound disability, and then adding in the chronic illness and mental illness.
So, it’s a significant number, and it’s a significant number in terms of, as I said before, not only their health and the cost to the community of those health issues that those siblings then develop, but also in terms of their contribution, either through direct caregiving, or just in terms of relationship, which adds to their wellbeing.
In the case of people with disability, as they get older, if they’ve got a sibling in their network, who drops in to see them all the time, unannounced, if they’re, say, living in supported accommodation, or whatever the scenario might be, but ultimately, relationships are important to all of us, and so the more that we can sustain and nurture those relationships from a young age, the more likely they’ll be continuing into old age with benefits for both the sibling and the person with disability
Megan Gilmour 27:39
And when parents are deceased as well, the sibling may be the person who’s there with not only the relational things, but also the history as well in some cases.
Kate Strohm 27:54
Exactly, exactly.
Megan Gilmour 27:55
It’s a really critical role. Now we’ve talked about the kinds of complications that siblings face and how they’re impacted. Would you like to add to that before we move into the school component? Or should we just dive in?
Kate Strohm 28:11
Let’s dive in, and then, you know, they’ll probably come up as part of that, I would think.
Megan Gilmour 28:17
Yes, so, off the back of the question on data, this curiosity is also, what would the population of school age children be in terms of siblings, in circumstances of having a brother or sister with a health condition or a disability?
I think you’ve answered the question by saying there is no data tracked on siblings, and I think that’s data itself. That data gap really tells a story, doesn’t it? And so, I suppose the next question is, do siblings currently miss a lot of school? And why?
Kate Strohm 28:59
Again, I think there’s probably not so many that miss school so much, although some you know, especially if you’ve got a child who needs to be hospitalised, and you live in a rural area, the whole family might move to the city for treatment, and so the child has to move as well – the sibling – and so missing the school that they’ve been going to, and that might be tricky, finding another school and hospital schools may or may not support them.
Oh, what was the question again?
Megan Gilmour 29:41
School?
Kate Strohm 29:41
Yes, so not so much missing school. But I think there can be big impacts on their schooling still, and I guess if we think about it in terms of their home life and school life. Their home life may be quite stressful. It may be that, for example, they find it very difficult to do homework at home. They might be lacking sleep. They might be up during the night. They might find it difficult to have friends over to play from school, and so their social skills, their social interactions, might be reduced
But also, if they’ve grown up with somebody with a developmental or neuro divergency, then it may be that they haven’t learned some of those social skills, and that might impact their social connections. If they’ve grown up with somebody with difficult behavior, especially, then that might impact also the way they socialise. So, there’s things at home that will affect their schooling or their experience of school and friendships.
They, as a family might not be able to be engaged in some of the extracurricular activities, parent – teacher nights, barbecues, those sorts of things, sport, the sibling themselves might not be able to take part in some of those things because the parent can’t take them or whatever.
So, their family life impacts that, but also their academic results might be affected, like I said, through maybe having difficulty with homework, maybe being stressed at home, maybe being preoccupied at school, worrying about what’s happening with their brother or sister, especially if they’re in hospital or in a more crisis situation. But anyway, they often will be worried about their brother or sister.
So yes, some, I mean, some children, their academic results might be really good because they feel a lot of pressure, like I said earlier, that pressure to be perfect, to achieve all those things, but it can also sometimes come at a cost, in terms of their mental health, in terms of that constant striving.
So again, no two situations are the same, but I think that it’s really important. I’ve said over many years that I think all schools should have a register of siblings in the same way they have a register of children with illness or disability, to just know that, oh yes, this child might sometimes have difficulty with homework, so the teacher might find extra time in the day to help them with that, or they might just show a bit more understanding if it’s not done.
And children with an illness or disability often have, and its termed different things in different states, but something like a negotiated education plan in terms of what does this student need to realise their potential?
And I think siblings need to have their own as well. What’s the impact of this on them? Is it stress? Is it not being able to do homework? Is it that they struggle with social connections? So, what could the school do to support that? Do they have extra responsibility at school? Do we need to make sure that they’re not asked too often to intervene if there’s an issue with their brother or sister.
So yes, I think that schools can do a lot with not a lot of extra work, because we can’t expect schools to be all things to all people, but I think that awareness sometimes is enough to mean that they can make small adjustments.
Megan Gilmour 33:40
Yes, thanks, Kate, that’s there’s some really good points in there. One of them is having some kind of register for siblings to identify when they do have a brother or sister with a disability or in a health crisis.
And that way individualised learning plans or arrangements can be set in place so that they can have adjustments to when assessments might be due, or the way an exam period might be handled, or acknowledging that they might be experiencing anxiety, and that even this can come out as behavioral issues – we touched on that earlier, but we didn’t go into it – so behavioral presentation.
Someone once said to me on these calls, acting out or being quiet, both of those can be expressions of all is not well. And the fact is that siblings in these situations do have moments when all is not well.
And if we want to phrase missing school in the way you might be physically present. You might miss school, but you might be physically present, but not able to concentrate, not able to, even, as you said in earlier conversation, maintain relationships and friendships in the same way that you might otherwise be able to do at those times. I think those relationships can even extend to siblings, perhaps being bullied at higher rates as well, which is unfortunate.
Kate Strohm 35:42
Yes, I meant to mention that as well, that siblings will often be bullied, and we wish that didn’t happen, but kids can be cruel. I mean, often it’s because they’ve heard parents speak in certain ways, but certainly, you know, I’ve heard a lot of siblings talk about how they were teased, or their brother or sister was bullied, and they felt, you know, a number of different, confusing feelings; they wanted to protect their brother or sister, but they also wanted to distance themselves. You know, again, just each sibling will be different, and each experience will be different.
But the other thing that can really be helpful in schools is to get siblings together with other siblings. And you know, it can be a really informal thing. You know, just getting parents even together in the first instance, I remember running a workshop many years ago with parents, and a group of them decided that they would go out once a month with the sibling, so either the mother or father would go out with the sibling, and they’d go ice skating or bowling, doing things that the children wouldn’t normally be able to do, maybe because of the needs of the child, of the other child. And you know, they did that for a couple of years, and it worked really well.
And I remember working with a school many years ago too, where we, the Student Support Officer and myself, went out for lunch with three – four siblings who were all siblings of a child with disability or illness. They were twins. And so, you know, I guess the issues can be even more heightened when it’s a twin situation.
And going out to lunch with these young girls, they would have been probably in about year six or seven, and so, you know, school counselors, people like that, involved in schools, can often do that informally, or using the program SibWorks that Siblings Australia still operates that I co-authored a number of years ago.
And so, there are, like I said, a range of different ways. Or, you know, when I was talking about siblings maybe not being able to take part in sport, or those sorts of things, to think about whether maybe other parents could carpool, or whether there’d be other ways of helping that child engage.
So, you know, none of it is really difficult. You know, they’re not major changes that need to happen. But, oh, I know I was going to mention about the responsibility. And, you know, I’ve heard from several parents that whenever there’s an issue with the child with disability, they call on the sibling.
And I talk to parents about encouraging schools not to do that, that they contact the parent first, and look, if the parent can’t be contacted, if it’s an occasional thing, then, you know, the sibling probably feels quite important being called out to do that.
But again, it’s that balance. And if it becomes too often and too regular, yeah, too regular, then I think parents need to, and it’s difficult, because I know parents have to advocate so much for the child with the disability or illness, but to also just try and advocate a little bit for the sibling as well.
Megan Gilmour 39:17
Yes, I think that answers the next question, or the next couple of questions, which have to do with critical times in a sibling’s school life, and what should families and schools be prepared for at these times? I think you’ve named some of them there. Would you like to add to that?
Kate Strohm 39:39
Yes, and look, it’s fairly complex, obviously, in terms of different children’s age and their development, but I think often children who are preschoolers will accept kids with disability quite well, and so siblings can be a part of that.
And often, you know, [they] may not even realise that their brother or sister has a disability or illness. But often when they start to go to school, it’s when other children might make comments or notice, especially if the child has a disability that involves them looking different or behaving differently, and so that can be a change.
And I think too, as children move then into high school, those teen years can be really fraught for any child, but I think some of those issues become much more exacerbated during those years. And, you know, the main tasks of adolescence are really, you know, family connectedness, peer connectedness.
Peer connectedness is a really crucial thing in those years. And so, if they feel that they’re different to their peers, or their peers are acting like, you know, there’s something wrong with their family or with them or whatever, and some of the issues that I talked about before, maybe having difficulty having friends over, or if they do, maybe they’re are embarrassing things happening or stressful things happening.
So, I think, you know, when there’s those sorts of changes, certainly they can be periods where siblings can be at risk. But also if there’s changes in terms of, you know, if a child does need to go to hospital or if the therapy that they might be having has reached a point where it’s not helping, and, you know, all sorts of different things, that I think, whenever there’s a change in family circumstances, or in what’s happening to or with the child with disability, then they’re all times that the sibling just needs to be thought about as well.
Megan Gilmour 42:08
Yes, very important. And just a little plug here, we have definitely provided support to siblings in circumstances where students were having treatment interstate, and the siblings, the whole family, had to go, and so the siblings were separated from their school as well. And I remember one particular case of twins.
So definitely, nothing is in isolation and when I say nothing is in isolation, I mean what’s happening to one person in the family, in a sense, might be happening to all people in the family. But noting what you’ve said is that that expression of that, or what those things are, could be different for every single person on that journey.
Kate Strohm 43:10
Exactly. It’s a bit like a mobile, isn’t it? You know, one part moves, and it affects another and so communication is really, you know, such a big factor in families managing. If communication is there, you know, families will be stronger.
Megan Gilmour 43:26
Yes, and then just bouncing off into the next question. You mentioned that that critical time of adolescence, and which can be a difficult time, just on its own, all of the physical changes that are going on, or biological changes and psychological changes and developments. And then, I think it’s fair to say that a sibling might process their relationship to their brother or sister with a disability or health condition differently at different ages and stages as well, and smooth sailing sometimes and at other times that might fall apart a bit.
Kate Strohm 44:04
Definitely. And especially in that adolescence period where they’re starting to think about their future careers. Will they meet someone and to marry and have children? Should I have children, you know, or should I move interstate and leave my family if I want to study?
There’re all these other questions that start to come up. You know, what will happen if something happens to mum or dad? And all of these sorts of things need to be talked about and thought about. And children need to know that they can ask any question, and that parents will, you know, allow them to communicate what it is that they’re feeling or worrying about.
Megan Gilmour 44:56
And I think it’s probably the case too, without going into it, that there will be siblings out there who have made extraordinary sacrifices in their own life in order to live closer to home, or even stay at home, or things that might have taken them out of their brother or sister’s life when they were such a pivotal and critical part, or maybe only friend. I want to call that out, because I’m pretty sure that there’d be many, many, many cases like that.
Kate Strohm 45:30
Well, I certainly know of several, and one in particular where one sibling turned down an offer at a prestigious university to stay home and support her family. And you know, that made me very sad, and I understand that those family bonds are really important, but I do think that, you know, it’s a bit like the oxygen mask in the airplane. You know, I think that young person being able to go to university, follow her dreams, would have meant that maybe, you know, the relationships would still prevail.
You know, my sister, for example, I didn’t provide caregiving directly to her, except when she visited, but she was a very big part of our family, and she adored my husband and my two daughters. And those family relationships were so important and significant.
I think if siblings can go out and look after themselves, they’re much more able then to give back, maybe at times when they might need to give more at different periods of that family’s life cycle. But I do think it’s sad if a sibling has to sacrifice their own goals to that large an extent.
But everybody has to make their own decisions. And I would never judge people on their decisions, but I just, yes, I do hope that other adults in the life of a sibling will help them be able to follow their own dreams, alongside still caring about and supporting a family.
Megan Gilmour 47:17
I feel, feel like that’s such an important thing for us to land on and just to recognise the critical choices that siblings do make, and that would often feel much harder to make for all the reasons that you’ve identified before.
Maybe the feelings of guilt are so great that they surpass any desire to do something, you know that these things that can become embedded over time, and that’s why it’s just so important for these organisations like yours that you created, and it’s now been, you know, passed on to others to run.
Is there anything else that we should be asking about school, quality of life for siblings, and that you’d like to see happening in schools that’s not happening right now? You’ve mentioned some of them. I just want to give you another opportunity to add a few, if you wish.
Kate Strohm 48:18
Yes, I think I’ve added most of them. The other thing that I would mention is that I think all schools should do more in terms of disability awareness and having programs in place that help children develop that notion of acceptance and inclusion of people with disability where that is possible.
And I think that’s a really important element of this, when we think about things like teasing and bullying, when we think about siblings who might be feeling isolated with that disability awareness, also maybe raising the issue of siblings, and you know that those general messages of being kind, and including not only children with disability, but other children who might be a bit lonely or isolated and that sense of community.
But, yes, I think again, it’s around a school being proactive in terms of thinking about siblings and if they’ve got the luxury of having a school counselor, again, having that school counselor thinking about how they might be able to support siblings as well.
Megan Gilmour 49:48
So good, Kate. Kate, as we wrap up, what’s your call to action for siblings in seven words or less?
Kate Strohm 49:58
Well for siblings themselves, I think it’s around, if you do have concerns or worries, reach out. There’re certainly organisations out there that you know, general organisations that can help you, but certainly Siblings Australia, have groups for adult siblings to connect together. Reach out to me via my website, SIBSConsulting.com and try and connect with other siblings. Because I think, sorry, I’ve gone over seven words, haven’t I?
Megan Gilmour 50:33
That’s absolutely fine.
Kate Strohm 50:36
But in terms of people supporting siblings, I guess my call to action is to just acknowledge them, and whether that’s just a hello, how are you? You’re Johnny’s sister. Are you? Well, it’s really good to meet you. And how are you? And what are your interests and just trying to think about, well, what does this child need to feel stronger in themselves? But also, how can we strengthen that sibling relationship, I’m not very good at sticking to just a few words am I! [laughter]
Megan Gilmour 51:09
Everything is welcome. Everything is welcome. It’s such an important message. And thank you so much. A big shout out to SIBS Consulting and Kate Strohm. And you can find Kate over at www. SIBSConsulting.com [httts://www.sibsconsulting.com] of course, there’s Siblings Australia [https://www. siblingsaustralia.org.au] which Kate founded and grew to, to great effect, that is now being run by others. And that’s Kate’s legacy.
Kate, thank you so much for joining us today. You’ve been so generous, and it just gives me a lot of comfort to know that there’s research out there, there are resources out there, there are people who understand this and that shine a light on siblings, as I said when I started, some of the most invisible children in these circumstances. And we’re just so very grateful that somebody is out there flying the flag for siblings in a systematic way. So, thank you for joining us today, Kate.
Kate Strohm 52:21
My pleasure. Thank you. Megan, Bye, for now.
Megan Gilmour 52:25
Bye,
Megan Gilmour 52:29
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